Jonathan Lee Riches (c), Legal Eagle

If you haven’t read the legal genius that is Jonathan Lee Riches (c), you might want to read a few cases, some of the more entertaining legal documents you will see in your lifetime.

Some of the highlights:

• Riches v. Bush, Cheney, et. al (including Sammy Sosa, Donna Shalala, Fidel Castro, The Philadelphia Eagles (2005 roster), and the Metropolitan Transit Authority). I don’t think Riches spells out his complaint here.
• Riches v. Vick. Here, Riches alleges that Vick stole his dogs and sold them on E-bay to buy missiles from Iran. Vick is also accused of several other things, including using drugs in school zones, pledging allegiance to Iran, and throwing snowballs at Riches’ car.
• Riches v. Jewish Mossad, Larry King and the CIA. Here, the three conspire to kidnap his torso and three toes and do other nasty things to him.
• Riches v. Guantanamo Bay, the Hague, et. al (in which the defendants plotted to kidnap Riches’ mind at a “secret headquarters where the Detroit Tigers play football“
• Riches v. Bonds, Selig and Hank Aaron’s Bat. This one is definitely my favorite, as Riches alleges that the commish, under the supervision of Sammy Sosa injected Bonds with steroids. Forget Stan Conte, Greg Anderson and whatever you might have learned in a Game of Shadows. Apparently, Selig and Bonds met at a Steak n’ Shake off of Interstate 70, where Selig — under the supervision of Sosa — passed the “cream,” needles and the HGH to Bonds; the next table was bugged by Riches, who has passed copies of the tapes to Judith Miller and Robert Novak . This is a serious lawsuit, as Bonds is also accused of making illegal moonshine, corking his bat, taking steroids in the batter’s box, and selling HGH to nuns. Oh, and Bonds’ bat is really Hank Aaron’s old bat, that Riches bought in a 1998 auction. It was a corked bat which also contained a secret chamber. Bonds stole it from Riches at some point and in that secret chamber is where Bonds stores his steroids.

Yes, this last case is what intrigues me the most. I try to picture that meeting at the I-70 Steak n Shake, and maybe Novak and Judith Miller showed up to investigate. And of course, if you include Hank Aaron, Sammy Sosa, and Barry Bonds, who else needs to show up?