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May, 2008:

The latest national menace

A threat to clean cars, window screens, glass doors, sanity and the American way of life everywhere.Let there be no mistake about it: few things threaten all that is good in the world as much as birds. Don’t let the high-pitched chirping, the (mostly) diminutive features and the innocent looks on these creatures’ faces fool you. They must be stopped. Eliminated, even.

A feathered fiend similar to that on the left was what stood (flew?) in the way of me having a relaxing weekend. Well, that and dental issues. Well, that and dental issues, and not completing an inventory of the food in the refrigerator before my wife came home from a girls’ weekend. OK, that, dental issues, not completing an inventory of the food in the refrigerator before my wife came home from a girls’ weekend, and Alfonso Soriano.

All right, if I include Alfonso Soriano (and his dropped fly ball WITH TWO OUTS IN THE NINTH INNING AND THE TYING RUN ON BASE!), I really should include the Pittsburgh Pirates on this list. And of course, that’s only appropriate, as some of us know what the Pirates’ mascot is:

Cocaine-dealing, Pirates’-rooting blight on Pennsylvania!

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